Sunday, June 23, 2013

It all Happened when I thought about my days

Laughter is a from of internal jogging…It moves the internal organs around…It enhances respiration..It is the igniter of great expectations…Norman Cousins

I woke up this morning saying good morning to my wife who died in May--the feeling came about because I heard that another one of my high school friends died--from a disease-that i know nothing about except it was strong enough to kill a 6' 8" guy who played basketball at our school--I know I know more than I did then--and I live by some of the same rules I made way back then some are selfish--but I believe you learn from selfishness--what does one learn--understanding--you get out of selfishness what you never put into it--you get out of selfishness by the fact that you're not the only one on this earth that has to live--and hopefully you find it before your death or someone you've loved death…if you don't you'll go over and over the selfishness a thousand times--searching for those little areas you have not paid any attention to for your entire life--I'm not telling you something that you don't know or better feel--cause if you're honest you'll know what I'm talking about--it comes when you least expect it and leaves with an incomplete feeling and one you say or don't say I'll come back to but never again find the time to do it--because it leaves to many doors to open and why bother---it will make you a better person to be around and you'll enjoy your life more--small things to be sure --but hey the older I get the more I understand that little things are the things that weigh the most in daily living--what you haven't learned that one day at a time is the only way to live "life"--so be it--we become helpless--we once again face--ourselves only--to realize that when we look in the mirror--that we are who we've always been and not all of it was pretty,rosy, and wonderful as we expected--how can one live without those little irritations that made us not know right from wrong--in those moments when we became the selfish person that no one else ever knew--or did they and that's why we're afraid when old age becomes the noticeable creeper--the several little things that start to pull the rug out from under our feet-


Read this wether we ought to give the Ukraine money or not--who the hell are theses people in this country who ask such stupid questions--and if you know they're asking these questions it's already a done deal--and they're just trying to cover their ass--I honestly think that if a politician's suggests that we give money to anyone else before we take care  of our on problems--he should be so badly beaten at the polls it should be a lesson to him and every body else who can't control his greedy little self--that's my opinion--and until we take care of what we need to take care of in our own house we should stop deciding on who and what gets our surplus--now isn't that's something--already talking about surplus--like we've taken care of business--which will not ever happen in my lifetime--wanna bet--every politician who goes to Washington is on a gravy train and they know it--when they get to the "Big Ease"at first it's glory bar the door I going to do the best thing for this country--and then after they start and the waters become a little ruffled and I mean a little unsettled-- the "Big " Boys which is translated the ones who've been there the longest come calling--from their own party and say in political savvy--we are looking at things in a different way and if you could help us out it might give us another way of looking at things--and we sure would appreciate your letting us come on board--especially since you have such a new approach--that no one has ever come up with-then as they say--the writing is on the wall--because he either advances or he's a lemon--and if you're a lemon in Washington you might as well pack your bags and go on back home to your constituents and wait till your next term so you can find another job--cause you stepped on some toes and it's like the Army--you don't open your mouth or go over someone else's head--do you think you can out do any body in Washington--well unless you're a favorite and you are on your on band wagon and some heavy hitters are expecting big things from you--a chance is there big if you're planning on "big" changes--good the heck luck--there are to many fingers in the pot already and you are just in one "long overdue" line--there's only one line and God of who's in charge is waiting at the end to see if you qualify--amen

Getting up earlier everyday--sometimes I don't know why I even go to bed--I lay there thinking about what ever the brain comes up with..junk as far as the world goes but evidently important enough to keep me from falling into sleep--tiredness doesn't enter into it unless I get physical and the then its more of irritability--or frustration--complicated with exasperation--violence at what I was doing because I put myself in the situation I caused--like for instance putting books on top of a walker stroller seat and then hitting a bump and they all fall off--and then having to pick them up when they're scattered all over the floor--doesn't seem like much unless like me it hurts like hell to bend over--and that where all the aggravation and turmoil sets in--I knew it's was going to happen because it happens all the time-but being in s hurry I didn't forget--I just decided to go a little easier but didn't and end up paying the price

Keen old eyes peering out from beneath pouching, redden lids… there was only kindness in them---of the kindness and understanding which is the compensation of old age with nothing malicious about it...

I've got another dog--I live so far beyond the woods -no body thinks people live out here so they dump there unwanted animals--I have five as of this day and time--each comes with his or her own individuality quirks--one I had ate underwear--one I had ate golf balls chewed them up into tiny little pieces--one I had loved to run around in circles--most protected their food bowls like it was the last meal they'd ever get--but that all stopped when they realized it wasn't--I cook for my dogs supplementing what I cook with dry dog food--no problems there--On my drive into town for beverages I noticed my first butterfly weed in bloom, magnolia, phlox (native), orange day lily, woods hydrangea, butterfly bush, being Friday which I didn't know when I left home the traffic was uncommonly fierce--I mean on the square I had to wait for an unusual length of time to get into the traffic lane to get to the beer store--no lights of course because of the small town (Dawsonville) only one beer and wine store--
What an interesting story--unpenetrated moral darkness--illusion--persistent and invincible--psychological theorizing--intelligence's framework--everything that's done--is a history unfolding as it progresses--it's presented in the only way it can be--the case has not become history--programmed in the experience of living and developed through encounters with environment...

Spiritual Reality--is meant that ever-present mental and spiritual essence, motive, purpose, point of view, inherent concept, which gives meaning and color to external happenings and experience in the realm of physical sense perceptions....

Youth and new beginnings --have an open mindedness a wholesome curiosity essential for growth in the perception, understanding and realization of forever unfolding reality...

Certain modes of behavior can still shock--but through T.V. , Movies, and real life exposure, for most of us there is a gradual coarsening of conscience as our life is prolonged....

Not talking much--makes you realize how much you need to say--

Agitation --waver--upset--boil--nervousness--instigator-- " dis--turb--ance " all of the above at once

Our bloated minds--infinite knowingness--we have made a riddle out of simplicity

Empty space is really a turbulent and frothy storm of activity--nothing is empty...

Perhaps reality is what " no-thing " does when it gets bored

Keep lying not facing the truth.. where will it lead  " YOU "

But truth is never something that man controls

Was I-- once more penalizing a casual young question with a verbose older generation lecture???

Truth is stored up subconsciously in the minds little cul de sacs and crevices only in quite and peaceful times do memories rise to the surface...Truth is often hard to talk about.. I am a warrior for hard truth against the emptiness of contemporary life struggling out in all directions panicky, I have unwearying complaints against man's lot.. But the increasing meaninglessness of a life lived in mindless material absorption worries me--I'm trying to expose a condition--powerless--it stays hidden creeping to the surface when the wants have us---in their lack of significance a lack covered up by anxiousness out of control... I am tired of living thru trash instead of pleasure--I feel these conditions are not just personal ones--they are shared--I'm getting to the point I feel to be human I need to respond to the situation--I'm caught up between discontent and ambitions--I question constantly--I have no fundamental interest---I'm caught in apologies for feeling normal--where is sensibility--what has happened to true sympathy--my heart is suffocating here--the effort in my will is not slow it's not moving me--Fiction is becoming life--nothing human is alien to us--we're not missing anything--we're being targeted and bombarded--this mass of ideals of unlimited consumption is not invading it's controlling with it's addictive intensity--what I feel is the insatiable demands on my life---how can I keep up with trying to over take all my supposedly satisfactions--where has my character gone--my imagination--my hopes, dreams, my personal squabbles with what's happening here--seems so minute to life, death, and my happiness....


The traditional task of science has been to simplify nature, expose its underlying logic, and then use that logic as a means to control...

Medicine is less  scientific than we've always counted on it to be

Complicated dynamical systems are indeed determined by their causes...

Because men are still incapable of being angels is no good reason why they should be ants...

" Herd State " --the denial of supreme value to the human individual...

The United States was originally dedicated to the preservation not only of national independence but of personal pre-eminence within the national state. If, however the American can be further bullied or educated or bribed into renouncing his individuality, then it becomes hard to explain his hostility to governments based upon mass anonymity...

In submerged tensions--you learn backwards

I try not to give the impression that I am exorcising some nameless anxiety...

Like they say, what doesn't destroy you makes you stronger

After 50,everybody steps through the looking glass...

During my 60 years that I have been able to vote, I have heard thousands of speeches; but few of them have changed my opinion, not one of them has changed my vote...

Whenever is depth and meaning in control...

Every conclusion drawn from " our " observation is; as a rule, premature, for behind the phenomena which we see clearly are other phenomena that we see indistinctly, and perhaps behind these latter, yet others which we do not know exist...

There is no power, divine or human, that can oblige a stream to flow back to it's source...

For all bleeding Hearts and hearts of Gold
Any bird, bug, or animal including the human animal can be self-serving, cool, and steely hearted. It is only the superhuman who can rise to compassion...Chute (Letourneau's Used Auto Parts)

Come forth into the light of things:
       Let nature be your teacher--Wordsworth

Boys, flying kites, haul in their white-winged birds;
 You can't do that way when you're flying words. --Will Carleton

Salvation is not what one is seeking--it's what one finds--I walk on a very thin line--alertness to our reactions --be aware of how you take things--the bother is in you--not in the incident

The man in the middle tax bracket is as helpless in face of the new economic forces as he is in his relationship to God...

Indecision is a inner volcanic pressure

A prayer is a movement of thought, within the mind of the one praying, along a definite line of meditation; that is, for a specific purpose....

illusions are not realities--Despair can not be solved by frantic activities nor by people who believe what they want to believe...

When we merely think about something, we could be wrong; but when we are aware of something, we are never wrong, for awareness is a revelation of the truth about that something...

When you mechanically slap a negative label on anything you cause an emotional reaction that corresponds to the label...

Our thoughts are based on our conditioning during our earlier years--thinking is based on acquired view points and attitudes which may not be in line with reality...

Inner forces can be used constructively or destructively--your choice--It is to easy to blame our goal instead of examining our goal solving capacities...

The truths about life can never disappoint anyone only illusions cause dismay...

If you think from the idea of people having power to hurt and upset you--your expectancy draws them into the circle of your experience...

Emotional center--made up of all sorts of desires--inclinations all pulling in opposite directions...

Personality--is the outer expression of what you inwardly are--which constitutes distinction of person. Personality is the result of man's experience; it is the sum total of all he has said, done, felt, thought, hoped for and believed in; it is the result of his reactions to the events of life--accumulated consciousness...

Nothing drains confidence more than repeated frustrations...

It's a vague uneasiness, a listless feeling, a sense of always being unsettled and off balance--not being complete--lacking something--of looking around me and feeling disconnected--it's a dis-ease with my life and myself..(externals)

I've had few directions in polite conversation when I was growing up--I had a lot of time with my imagination--free wheeling in my thinking no guide lines--no boundaries--my parents were never around--when they were it was meal time--conversation was pointed and personal --arguments--discussions leading towards belittlement--or one up ness--all of which led to indigestion and feelings of insecurity--I feel as tho a harp should be playing in the background

I'm not actually angry--annoyed that I let something like that get to me--but I find that I don't want to talk to anyone-- you know anti-social--contemplative--inward-- a word, a look, a thought about what the hell am I doing here, I become impatient, restless, not wanting to communicate and struggle with rudeness. I like to be able to walkaway--I have to catch myself before letting go...

I feel the seductive pull of internal deception--It's so easy to let thinking take charge stay hidden inside--focusing on my own thoughts--and let others feel like they're bothering me...

When I hear an edge in her words--I back off leaving silence--which I like and don't want to break off

All meaningless things eventually follow a pattern; observe, how lives always end--no excuses

Dreams are like time machines heading outward from the souls surface--forward into hopes, aspirations, tediously uncovering what's out there...

He has a knack of saying nothing in such a way it comes out sounding like something..

It was a case of nothing looking better than something...

The stimulation of anticipation..

Sadistic bullying and amused contempt would drive anybody around the bend..

Opportunities are part of life--they knock on your door or just blow by your ear--fantasies have become our limits...

My brain was not built to encompass all the possible abilities--

Mind ,not muscle, is the motor of progress, the force which compels nature and produces wealth..

It must be with words as it is with music. Music heard early in life lays down a rich bed of memories against which you evaluate and absorb music encountered later. Each layer adds to the richness of your musical experience; it ingrains expectations that will govern your taste for future music and perhaps change your feelings about music you already know. Certain harmonic patterns embed themselves in your consciousness and create yearnings for repetitions, so that you can relive that pleasurable disturbance of the soul. Gradually, your head becomes an unimaginably large juke box, with instantaneous recall and cross referencing, far more sophisticated than anything manmade...

I like to choose words that sound like the thing I describe--they are onomatopoetic

From poems I like--especially ones I read over several times I love to feel the strong active rhythms, the descriptive vocabulary, and a vivid, mysterious yarn...

I keep rambling along in compulsive loquacity

Still listening to Credence Clearwater...tough to beat on a slow rainy day--with beer in hand I salute the workers of America

One thing is certain, the man who worries is either living with the mistakes of the past or the dangers of the future Most gifted worriers are doing both---The only solution live in the present--

Experience, has taught me an honest truth: Time flows in one direction only !
As the days pass none of us grow younger. Sometimes we postpone glorious schemes only to discover in the end that they never have materialized! Procrastination is the thief of life...

I strike my own personal path through the wilderness of life, and I intend to resist dissolution tooth and nail...

I began to notice certain small signs which jarred against my first impressions...

It provokes emotions which I cannot put into words at this moment. The older I get, the more certain I become that there is very little that is impossible

I could feel it --a life somewhere the malignity of it was in me--like a headache pulsing that made conscious thought hard to come by...

Nothing ever goes according to the way you think it will--revise and improvise--life

I've been told that my apathy becomes dreadfully tiresome..

I work in the realm of my ideas ..I think.. I judge.. I communicate...I redirect...

"Many ideas grow better when transplanted into a mind other than the one where they sprang up"--
   Oliver Wendell Holmes

Good thoughts are found by sifting through tons of useless data...

Change demands new rules

When people become identified with their creation, they may become blind to new possibilities and people who identify with a comfortable, settled, way of life may devote their creative energies to trying to maintain it...

I was lost in darkness and draughty air while scattered fragments of knowledge swirled just out of focus..

Nothing is as it seems--it takes to much to get it there..

6/24/2013--Hard to believe --weighted by responsibility--I collected myself to slink into a far corner of my mind and hide there; watching, lost in thoughts excluding myself outside what was apparently
going on which I didn't much care for--this seclusion was like a draw back--gave me enough space--so I could think independently...The Reconteurs
My cereal 's gotten soggy and my first cup of coffee cold--but I had to go line up what music I wanted on tap today--Allman brothers 1969-1979,Credence Clearwater Cosmo's Factory, Pink Floyd--The Wall, The Who--Who's Next, Clifton Chenier--Bayou Blues, Anoushka, Yo-Yo Ma--Japanese Melodies, Leon Redbone--On The Track, Slow Music for Yoga, Bob Dylan--The FreeWheelin' Bob Dylan, should about do the day

If you don't spend your time looking for something particular, what you end up finding suits you just fine...

He was astute at drawing inferences from unspoken implications..

Need is just a need --So long as judgment remains apart from it, need has no real power to hurt us...

the better the advice--the worst it's wanted

I yawned audibly--my last resource of a person who found himself nervous in a false situation...

some Spanish writers--Cesare Gonzalo Ruano--Carlos Miralles--Agostin Vignola--Luis Escobar...

Music Santana--Live at the Fillmore '68--Tony Rice--Church Street Blues--Emmy Lou Harris--Highways and Heartaches--Raconteurs--Consolers of the Lonely--Dead can Dance--Toward the Within--Raconteurs--Broken Boy Soldiers

Most men have got some little bit of pet tyranny in their hearts....

It is bad waiting for dead men's shoes....

All hope of defending herself has long passed from her; indeed, she rarely even attempts self-justification; and is aware that submission produces the nearest approach to peace which her own house can ever attain...

Some people develop exaggerated bubbles of privacy, and when others are crowded up against them they take it as an act of aggression...

A mother can intrude on her child's space without discomfort..

The eyes are the parts of the body used most often in nonverbal communication ..Hiding the eyes removes the possibility that a stranger might catch your eye and pull you into a unwanted conversation....sun glasses

Struggling over dominance --to submit is wrong because it eventually arouses your own hostility and anger

It is better to make a mistake by being over cautious than to make a mistake by being foolishly brave..

The person who shakes hands like a limp fish offering you the entire hand but with  " no bones " is probably ill at ease and unused to shaking hands --the chances are he doesn't like to be touched, and he submits to the handshake, but he does so feeling it's a necessary violation of his privacy.. There is also a possibility that the limp handshake has an inner arrogance that he wants concealed...

A just " War " is always a forced war, never a freely chosen one...

The resolution of a dilemma can only be found in one way, namely, by preventing the development of the situation in which the dilemma presents itself....

This was found on a desk--

" I expect to pass this world but once.. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now...Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again...

With no goals or interests a falseness occurs with it frustration and a sense of life's unreality and futility--it all becomes very tiring---

come on let's have at it--first ball up your fist decide to kill me or not
is this the reason I've been faced with all I've gone through
to me the cost far exceeds it's worth
I can't believe all I've done leads to this
is there anyway out of such madness
I don't see any lining of silver
I'm wondering if maybe I've done all this wrong
there's a lot counting on this no matter where it goes
I can't stand to think it might lead astray
beyond where it all began --there was a dream --maybe even hopes--
that this will be the beginning of something new--

The prevention of  " WAR "  and the consequent prevention of the false situation in which our unresolvable dilemma is presented to the "honest" conscience is essentially a moral question-- a question of creating a moral order little by little , and thus reversing the habitual process of sliding little by little into ever greater disorder until a hopeless crises is reached...

Most experienced men look for the girl who signals her interest in them..

Faith and hope are short term solaces--they are infinite absolutes--to counterforce the ultimate facts of the knowledge of disease and uncertainties of death--the unknown, the unseen, the unproved, generating false hopes inaccessible even by reasonable rational thinking.....

I believe the spirituality of " our ' world dwells within each of us --and can be called forth with less effort--than believed...

Does the divine articulate itself in fantastic and conspicuous ways...I see you....

Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand---            Thomas Carlyle

Science is a collection of successful recipes..

Old, obvious, and eternal truths--count on them...

Experience has taught me that the only way I can remember the promises I make to myself is keep bringing them back up --over and over--the rapidity with which we forget blows my mind...

I've learned that waste of energy, mental distress, and nervous worries--bog down the mental streams to my future

Educate yourself--start your educational process--intrigue yourself  and realize you've just started living a new and better life--it works--and can be done everyday…

The boundary of the space you keep clean is marked at the end of the space you call your own…

There  ain't a whole lot difference between holy and crazy a good part of the time…l

Knowing but not fully comprehending…process of learning--slow but sure--not always the best way

Complacency is the word that keeps comin' to my mind…the politicians,liars, athletes,anyone with a "little" power--the reason we just let it keep going on--

I wish some of my moves in the recent past had been a little more voluntary…

mellow that hard head of yours 'fore somebody cracks it wide open, and quit that bein' so high and mighty. Well, he hadn't quit, and he'd never quit; if sticking up for things that were right made a body high and mighty, then he guessed he was mighty high and highly mighty…

It's funny how you run into people like that--deadheads,chiselers,liars, loafers, dope heads, straight down the line, and bang! then you bump into somebody who talks the way you want them to talk as if they've known you for a long time and understood your wants and thirsts and what was in you and they weren't fool enough to pretend they didn't…

The sharp eye of public opinion doesn't look over many shoulders --anymore--they're to busy--and could care less…

There's never anything lost by asking, as long as what you ask is in the realm of reason…

Woke up this morning kind of feeling blue--or lost back in memories which if added up to what's important to others means absolutely nothing except to me--made me a little oatmeal like my grandmother used to make me cause she knew I loved it with a lot of sugar,butter and real cream--but now with coffee it just brings back memories--sad but true--do people really care about things any more--when I write down all these little goodies I find that seem important--to bring back up--what's it have to do with anything except that maybe it might start people once again back on the road to what is important--the human being and all his or her--little things in his or her life--that make up their day to day experiences--believe me when I say that's all that's important--it's not complicated unless you make it complicated on yourself--all the stress--all the problems are created by no-one except you--how does one get out of the trouble created by oneself for oneself--luck--does have something to do with it but mostly taking hold and seeing what must be done--to reach the uncomplicated in your life--to see purpose at the end of the rainbow--to think I would be talking about this --is in essence a shock--to my system--if you knew me and could stand in my shoes--and could have come up through what I came up through--well guess what you'd be just like me--everybody is and it seems an illusion caused by a reflection--but anyway--don't get lost--because you can only hide for so long and then what happens is
you become your worst enemy--you see--you know to much about yourself and if the cause and the cure is strong enough you can and will find answers--once out they want come back--discovery doesn't hide anything that can't be taken care of-- by doing the necessary things to eliminate what confronts it--you become clearer in understanding from day one--it opens one up--you see that what was out there making things happen in ways you couldn't understand--were parts of you having to grow up through trying times--with no direction of your own and no-one to enlighten you as to what path you should have taken--you erred in your personal judgement and now from experience you are challenging all your old ways looking for substances that will make your life from here on out bearable---we've all made mistakes--I could say so what--not trying to make them seem little--but going one step forward and saying life is a never ending experience--that cause plus and minuses every minute of ones day--you win some and you lose some--but it doesn't matter--what eventually matters is that  what you've added up becomes what all the pluses and minuses equal and that my friends is hopefully what you've wanted out of your life or expected it to be--right now if it's not this--this is your chance to get it back on track--you choose--your chose--it all comes back to determination,will and wanting more from life than you been giving, or receiving from it--

It's holiday season's time--where we can spend and buy--toys--clothes--goodies--don't know why i feel this way about one of our best times--but from where I sit it has become a problem and has been headed that way for a long time want me to tell you about it--but I'm not--waste your now time if you want to--it's not even worth it anymore--it's going to still go it's way--son got up at 3:30 to go down to the big city to do some work--hospital--has do stuff in an area which will be busy after about 7:00 and they want to be out of there and through with what needs to be done…More power to them--usually that's when problems when you want to do something and have all your ducks in a row--wham thank you Ma'am--and the sky falls leaving you with a mess on your hands--not jinxing there show but hopefully everything will work out--been sort of hanging out in my head--at loose ends--nothing out of the ordinary-- bothering me-- which is strange-- cause I always have some grips or somethings hanging out the side of my brain--where before long it will start getting on my nerves--but so far--
My cup of coffee is empty--who cares--and Christmas is 6 days away--and I haven't left the house for any reason--who cares--I went upstairs looking for something that i thought I couldn't live without as I was lifting boxes and piled up past stuff--I ran across a box of slides--like chevy chase and his Christmas Memory Films--I halted forgotten was the reason I came up in the first place--and I thought my wonder what these are--all about--I carried them back downstairs and went around looking for the slide projector and the large and unwieldy screen--as i was unfolding it the gentleman who puts up with all my (####) came into the room and helped in other words did everything while I sat and conversed about nothing--as usual-- then on the side he said why did you pick out these I said what do you mean he said these are just some of them--he went upstairs and started bringing the rest down--there's like to get started 15 boxes--with maybe 1000 slides in each beginning in the 40's on traveling, family, Christmases and Gosh only knows what all--and here I thought I was beyond the the tip of the ice berg and was just going on an enjoyable stroll and not invoke a whole lot of my time---well I've been at it for 11 straight hours and am still at it---I going to get my coffee--hold that thought--when I went into the kitchen it was dark like 5:30 in the early hours of the morn--I flipped on the light over the coffee pot and the bulb blew--just my luck was my comment--I had to go to the garage to get another halogen bulb as I was passing through the gate to the garage i happened to look on the fence and i noticed a iron skillet i was cleaning hanging on one of the rails--it had been raining since I had put it out--rust was now covering this wonderful old skillet I had used oven cleaner on and now my job was going to be a lot harder--life does go on with or without one--any way I'm back with coffee and new light in kitchen and pot inside house--By the way it will eventually my new cornbread pan--I love cornbread...


In all the cosmos there is chaos, in all order a secret disorder…

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come….

Success can mute even the most reasonable of oppositions…

I shouldn't like to have a nature like yours--you never look for the best in people…

After many years of married life he had learned that it was more conducive to peace to leave his wife with the last word

Well, thats a rather an exaggerated way of putting it, but one does look at distances differently in the mountains….I wonder if one looked up how many kids have been brought up to the mountains when their parents moved up here ;what percentage had wrecks because of the curves and hills which they weren't use to when they moved up---at times usual speeds are dangerous, even different when the weathers damp, slippery from snow, or foggy near the bottoms….

Irresponsible people made her impatient, but her mind itches to put everything order in which came so naturally to her…

He was the sort of man who always paid what he was asked ….he even paid for suggestions that would cost him more….He preferred to be over-charged than to cause a hassle….

What I heard shocked me--but I hesitated to express my disapproval---

I seem to get tired, quicker after an idle, aimless day….I've even started hiding behind excuses to stay home--any thing to not let me get away…

Desire in the end-- is sad…

As times change, all things become relative ----sometimes even what is considered as concrete and settled knowledge….

The most irritating thing about her was her voice, high, whiney, and metallic, it grated on my nerve endings like the pitilessness of the whaling sound of a ambulance….

I 've been watching my dogs out side the window--they're sitting on the driveway looking off in the woods like something big is making noise enough to bother their quite morning--wind has picked up--we had a storm last night wind came rushing through here like nobody's business and then rain pounding and with it came thunder and lightning which was a shock to me cause during the winter we hardly hear that sort of thing--it was so shocking I got up and looked out the window--as rain cascaded down the window--I mean torrents--took a pill last night before heading off to sleep--this pill is called Naproxen which was substituted for Naprosyn 500 mg. and I had been having an itching problem in the stomach area and I kept trying to figure what was causing it--I had recently change detergent for washing clothes--I had started using ammonia to get clothes cleaner--I was eating a lot of yogurt--(Greek) and I was using a different type of soap from Spain--and my dog sleeps in the bed with me and she had been in our old chicken coup--somehow the door had been preyed open--and i was thinking she had gotten some mites--the stomach really had some intense stratching -almost to the point of hurting--so I started trying to figure out which was causing this irritation--finally I narrowed it down to this prescription--and I quit using it and the irritation started lessening after about five or six days--well last night after I took the pill again I noticed the itching starting again--no more will I take it--I've like got about three more refills of sixty pills each-- forget that--I feel like going back to the Doctor and letting him know but he I don't want to even leave home--especially after the snow we had a couple of days ago--which freaked me out--I didn't even try to get out of the driveway for four or five days--my driveway is about a quarter of a mile--and there are a few hills going down and up which makes it harder to get out--so why try--even thinking I might have to go out causes some kind of conflict in my brain--if it's food I need I can go without--sometimes sweets get a bit testy--me wanting something sweet and not being able to satisfy the urge--
Been talking to may self a lot lately like my wife is still around--it's not like I'm talking to myself but really to her--I can tell you one thing for sure--don't plan on letting your wife die with just you around by your self--what a horrible feeling--talk about lonely--forelorn--and tears and the gut feelings oh my--watching the last flickering go out and there's nothing or anybody can do--it's like i turn around looking for my mother or something--any body to grab on to and what pray--God--talk about reaching and finding out there's nothing there but empty blackness--and it's 6:15 in the morning..wade into the day--my friend--
If anyone speaks badly about you live as no one will believe it ! Even if you don't believe what is there to do about it--some people see weakness and how to exploit it; some see innocence and have to explore it…personal cars are invisible in America as long as you don't buy gas on credit cards or get traffic tickets…thinking back on trudy and our life together--I'm starting to realizer how misunderstanding I was--the implication being I wasn't attentive enough--little things--I'd observe but then after finding small things wrong I just assumed she would take care of them but over a period of time she didn't and I not exactly didn't care but I said nothing a friend not even checking on her--Ican go back and uncover many details where I should not have let it go on--the way i did and what have I got left but me---why I didn't do this or that--hind sight like they say is 100 percent correction--there are no plus only a big minus in my life--and tears my God for even a minor goodness thought of her--and my stupidity--is so over whelming---
this picture means nothing except to me--I did not become aware of it --until several months after the event which has made me even more selfish of her time on earth--This is what I believe--my wife died--going through all of our memories--drawers--diaries, closets pictures events, and believe it or / not odors its like putting yourself through one of those crushers at the junk yard and they put  it on-- slow as she goes--I've got to get over it folks---I've had it---she's a fond loving memory..It has finally been squeezed out of me---it has to be this way--and one of these days it'll be your experience as your life evolves


--I want to leave you with this thought of Trudy and the above picture---Her attitude was a far cry from the prevailing sensibility, which encourage a young women to view marriage as the only possible happy ending to her life…Trudy's legacy to her daughter and to her friends was a rare and important one she had (if you really knew her or were lucky enough to get to know her well)  taught them to value themselves as individuals and women, not merely wives….the above picture was of her when she lived in New York City--she was 21and worked in cosmetics at Bloomingdales she wore no make up--didn't need it --olive complexion--dark, dark brown eyes--and dark brown hair--"she was "  and thats all that mattered-- so I've been shedding tears by the buckets and at the drop of a hat or of thoughts to deep not for tears--can I explain all this so others can understand only to others who had the same experience and you know you move on-- time--leads--like I'm some kind of dog on a leash--I follow--not really caring about the where--but I do enjoy--the living--I have all I need--except  the one I shared it with--to get here and….thanks for letting me share this…

this is the kind of book I start looking for when I'm down and not completely out of it--one that makes only the kind of sense this kind of person thrives on--it so stupidly human and the guy has all the words in the world confirming that if he can make it anybody can--he did of course have a wild imagination--and he could paint --no doubt go to anything that keeps me focused on the really weird things in humanness that allows for the brain to not exactly focus but to force it to realize it is not the only one--there are other things that can be worth while--and to realize hat it's so good to be alive that is the stupidist part of it all--thank you thank you…anything that I think I can read or not that can keep holding me by the short hairs especially in a vulnerable area--such as-- and believe me-- don't try to read this one--it really takes someone far to the right of good sense..--how about a few reflections that keep coming up in my mind from time to time and if you're going ask me why they keep coming up--
think maybe-- like throwing up-- cause some of the things that enter my mind I don't know why they got there where was I--oh right reflections 

One of the best ways to test cooperation is to stand opposite a man over a crosscut saw

The politician is second only to the undertaker in letting people down…

Some friendships, like floaters on a fishing line, go under when one pulls too hard on them…

"Big" friends require a lot of room…

Greed has it's share in war

Biggest trouble with Soviets going into out spaces that they are forever dropping things…

Let me digress-a moment I am the poet of the women the same as the man,
And I say it is as great to be a woman as to be a man,
And i say there is nothing greater than the mother of men…
 Walt Whitman (for God sake don't give up what you've got make us pay) 

Men ought to be mighty good to women, for Nature gave them the big end of the log to lift and mighty little strength to do it with… Lincoln  

Let me count the ways I've thought about this picture--and may God have mercy on my soul…

The older a man grows, the more he doubts the wisdom of working hard in order that his children may have a soft time…

" Fish and visitors spoil after the third day "

" Duty " is a word we use to excuse our delight in hurting others…

If a conscience could be surgically removed , in many cases it would be classed as a minor operation…

Marriage is an incomparably unique experience : If you marry the " right " partner, there is nothing like it…If you marry the wrong one, there is nothing like it…

A " Platform " is getting to be something a candidate stands on before election, and falls down on afterwards…

The merchant who realizes that his job is not to sell, but to help the customer buy wisely, isn't bothered much by "sales resistance."

Every young  man should bear in mind that the day will come when he will know as little as his father does now…

Love of money is the root of half the evil; and the lack of it, the root of the other half...

Trouble wid some women an' marriage is dey look upon it as matriMONEY instead ob matrimony. Den when de money ain't forthcoming' dey want to change pursers…
 Den some women gab too much.. A still tongue keeps yuh still married an' yuh man still happy..
 Wind up yuh love all de time, same as yuh do de clock…Vida Ward












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